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parent: Bios
Re: Bios by JohnnyG on 2003-04-21 15:07:03
Will somebody please contribute a Bio/Autobio of a person either real or fictional by which the reading of it will make me and others laugh loudly, even if one happens to be in a solemnly quiet place such as a library where loud outbursts can cause your arrest, at least in Texas anyway. If I really enjoy it I'll return the favor by writing about puritanical sexual practices in a Baptist community located outside the Austin city limits.
Comments:
| -- let me say this about that... by d.- on 2003-04-22 15:15:44 | Reply to this | |||||
... tit for tat, quid pro quo, blah, blah, blah -- No way Jose! I say: you write about those 'puritanical' sexual practices going on in Texas straight away -- you hear?! This whole site could use some action I reckon.
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| OK. I'll Give You My Real One by Kid on 2003-04-27 14:33:30 | Reply to this | |||||||||
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Its not that funny. But stints of it I look back and laugh, like people do at old hairstyles. Obviously I was born in Huddersfield, and spent my first few years on the opposite side to the one that we live on now. My parents divorced at an early age, so I don't get any of the bitterness toward either as a result of it - no matter how hard either of them occasionally tries - but I lived with my sister and my mum. I had some of my happiest times at that junior school. I moved in high-social-circles (in no small part due to the fact that I only really got on with the rich kids) and then when summer came round I regularly got the afternoons off to watch Yorkshire (Cricket) with my head teacher. See, it pays to work hard...Of that time, I have few definite memories. I know there was a time that I found about £9 buried in some dirt (all in 50ps and £1s) and I remember a kid saying "The word of today is 'Bullshit-aaaah'. But nothing of any real importance. Apart from a pink lunchbox, but I don't know whose that is, or was, or anything. It had a white handle, though. Next school (yes, its easier to divide it by schools, I don't remember much else - all my friends by this point were 8 miles away, so I missed out on a lot of the fun of my youth) was when I crammed in my wild. I was wild for a year at the age of 12, doing one or all of the following After that, I had an English teacher sort of took me under her wing...I don't know. There was something...it sorted me out anyway. I became me, slowly, after that. I started buying music. Obviously, I was into britpop, lived that through on the side of blur (art school ponces....insert your own joke here), so that by the time I'd got to my last school, where I met Wash (though apparently I'd played football against him - I think I remember that, I remember me scoring and then a kid whose head I (accidentally. And yes it can happen) cracked open stealing it on the goal line) I was, although not the most intelligent kid in the school, sort of upwardly both socially and intellectually mobile. There's a lot of things I could say about my time there....I won't...but I was always on the right side of the law, apart from the one time I was being told off (don't ask. Disgusting. Not deliberate. No, I don't think of myself as unlucky, just...sometimes bad things happen to good people) I fell unconscious whilst being warned about Hepatitis. But I was generally a good kid. I got on with everyone, but there were very few people I actually liked, and obviously, because I watched football instead of going through rites of passage with everyone, I was always outside the social circles, which meant I could mix with anyone, but also gave me the feeling that maybe I oughtn't to. That's something that I maintain upto today, even, that occasional feeling that I shouldn't be where I am. I know I could be far better, and far worse, than I am now, but it doesn't take away that doubt...that guilt. By the time I went into post-16 education I was just the me you know now. Yes, I did more stupid things than I do now, but we all make mistakes as children, and I was a child until I was, like 18...although from the age of 14 I started to consciously take responsibility for my actions (I think that's an important part in people's lives. When you realise you can't run forever) but it wasn't until 18 and beyond that I started to feel comfortable in my own skin. This is me now, clearly, and I don't feel that I have any regrets...anything I would change about myself. I'm happy where I am, I've learned from where I've gone wrong, and I'm all the better for it. Yes, some people still get the wrong idea about me - I'm known for both straight-talking and flowery language, two things that necessarily can't go hand-in-hand - but if they do, that's their loss, and there's nothing I can do about. I can't hold up the right end of the stick. So, that's me. I'm not big, well, I'm tall. I'm not clever, though I will soon have a degree. And most importantly, I do like singing 'Axe....axe to grind' in the Who Will Buy? song in Oliver. And that's something I hold dear. Hope you're sated.
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| Re: Re: Bios by Kid on 2003-04-29 02:50:05 | Reply to this | |
| I won't bother next time. Sob. Sob. | |
| Re: Re: Bios by JohnnyG on 2003-05-03 20:12:31 | Reply to this | |
| Well Kid I must say you have quite the bio there. Wherein lies the fiction only you know the answer but a man born in Huddersfield certainly deserves a reply. Even in a state the size of Texas with towns named "Happy" "Gun Barrel" "Dime Box" "Welfare" and "Simpleton" I doubt we have a Hudderfield. I said I would tell tale of Baptist puritanical sex practices in a town round these parts and thyanks to you kid here goes. In the community of Brownwood and surrounding areas of that township resides a staunchly devout group of hearty Baptists who've seen to it that there be some standards regarding the placement of penises into vaginas. Brownwood's location from my particular domicile is approximately 110 miles as the crow flies and I'm certain that crows are clever enough birds to realize that shotguns outnumber the citizenry and fly a calorie consuming circuitous rout bypassing the city but insuring survival of their kind in central Texas.In Brownwood there's no talk and no standard bout a penis being placed anywhere but the female reproductive canal and they'll have no acquaintance with any master debater who may take the affirmative argument on the "other" pleasurable acts of male/female nonverbal communication or God forbid a same sex coupling of couples. The standard of the Baptist folk from a church that is either named "First Baptist" or "Southern", take your pick, can be summed up as "A married man shall take his wife into a secluded place, preferably the bedroom, and enter the vagina from positions which will aid the procreative process without hindrance from artificial barriers (Any need for my explanation, I hope not anyway). The act will be accomplished with no unnecessary or exaggerated loudness (Which might be construed as lewdness of course) and or exposure to others (ie...shut those damn blinds Leeroy or we'll be spending the rest of the night in the pokey)." Not to long ago there was a report in the leftist Austin Chronicle about this community. Apparently a rebellious teen couple belonging to said church were caught in flagante delicto and brought before the board of ministers. The charge was...gasp....oral sex. The most repugnant thing about the charge to the high & mighty of the morality police was that this was an unmarried couple. The teens having been caught dead to rights pleaded guilty as charged. What was the punishment you ask? The boy & girl had to renew their virginity. They were dunked in water and asked to renounce sex before marriage as a horrific sin. Only supervised visits at the Dairy Queen are now allowed between the 2 reformed perverts until they marry. The Baptist community of Brownwood was overjoyed at the spectacle. So, anybody now thinking about a move to this bastion of puritanical Baptist despotism in the near future? | |