wanna go HOME now...

  Not At All

19 June 2001

5:25 PM: Oh, shudder. I just looked at this bag of Doritos (Snack, eh) and thought it said "BIG CRAB".

I had a dream this morning. A man is having a dream. In the dream, he's at some kind of carnival. His skin is darker and hairier than usual. A panther is stalking him - not in hot pursuit, but always there, watching. He sees himself in a mirror, and his eyes reflect back bright luminous green - like a cat's eyes reflecting a light.

He wakes up - it turns out he's some kind of King. He calls in his ministers and they all agree the dream is disturbing. He's leaving the palace or wherever it is he lives. On the way, he passes a dark woman with green eyes, on the way to do some business - it's a big, public administration place, like a City Hall. He notices her looking at him. After she passes, he feels an odd, cold breeze.

Some things happen, I don't remember. There's an older woman. Not too very much older, but inclined to act older than she is. Not very tall, a little puffy in the face, a little overbite, glasses. Ordinary. Someone is teasing her about her boyfriends, because they know she has none. She has nobody, she's somewhat abandoned the idea. She works in the City Hall-like offices we've seen.

She meets a younger woman, in some kind of public place like a restaurant or a cafe. This is the dark woman we saw earlier. She looks Indian (as in subcontinent) somewhat. Dark hair, dark skin, bright green eyes. The two women have a clear connection. The older woman is strongly smitten. We don't have access to the thoughts of the younger one; she acts ambiguously, but not discouragingly. It's hard to tell. There's a reason, unrevealed, why she holds everyone at a distance.

The man - the king - is in his office, when he feels the breeze again. Very suddenly, it's as if he's dreaming again. He is a man, but has the sense of being the panther, too. He is watching an older woman - the one we've met before - following her.

He wakes up - outside. His clothing is a bit sweaty, as if he had been walking around. It's several hours later. Now he knows this wasn't just a dream. Something is wrong. But he has no sense of evil. He doesn't know why but he tells no one, he wants to understand what is going on - who he is being, and why.

This all repeats once or twice. Gradually, the man - who, in the panther dream, is a dark young man - approaches the older woman. She's flattered, if confused. They end up making love. The older woman can think of no one but her young girl friend while they are together. She says nothing about this to the girl, though.

Then, one day when the man is in the panther dream, he suddenly feels a great dizziness and confusion, and an impact as if he had fallen to the floor. He comes back to himself outside of the City Hall, with a very sudden direct knowledge - as if it was something he had known all along but had forgotten. It was the younger woman, possessing him. She lives just right up there. Something has happened to her.

And just then he sees the older woman, walking in to her office. He shouts and stops her, tells her that the younger woman - a name like Elaine, Eleanor, I'm not sure - is hurt or ill, that she needs help. She's very startled to be spoken to so personally by the king, of course. But alarmed about her friend, maybe more. She runs off to the friend's apartment, the king goes to get an ambulance.

The older woman finds the younger one collapsed on the floor. She goes to her and calls her name, and she begins to come around. As she is gradually waking up, the king appears in the doorway. He is a little surprised, because he remembers noticing the young girl quite some time before, but otherwise had no idea who she was. She smiles at him, a little weakly. He sees her eyes, the way she holds the older woman, and the way she is held - and the way she looks at him, too. It all begins to make a certain amount of sense.

The younger woman is dying, or at least gravely ill. It becomes clear that she loved the older woman, but found it hard to return physical affection. But she was also infatuated, at least, with the king. So she had been possessing the king, making him into a male - and healthy and uninfected - version of herself. It was a bizarre kind of menage a trois, her only way of reaching out to the older woman.

It didn't really resolve one way or another. The king thought the younger woman was beautiful, and sad, and probably not much longer around. I think he and the older woman decided to let the strange little arrangement continue. But it kind of faded out then.

And that's how I spent my morning.

Willfully blind self-indulgent nebbish or amusingly quirky old coot? And how bout that local sports team? Discuss among yourselves.

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