More Whingeing
20 May 1999
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More Whingeing
20 May 1999
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9:48 PM: Hunh. I gather that in fact tonight is the night that all the people from here at work are going to see Phantom Tennis. Wonder when they decided to do that. Not that I feel left out at all.
I've been having to look around at Y2K-related books today, trying to find some relevant ones for links, and boy, you know, it's not like I really needed to have my belief in the widespread insanity of Americans reinforced. What a bunch of loons we are - and hey, we've got The Bomb too! Woo hoo! Uncle Sam Smash!
Some very sincere person on public radio today, part of what I think is a quasi-religious, "spiritual" kind of show: "Could it be that the conflict in Kosovo is a just war, being waged unjustly?" Gee, you think?
Speaking of thinking, which I'm trying not to, it rhymes with drinking, and it's occurred to me that a side-effect of this damn early-to-work stuff is that I'm doing a lot more of that. There might be a connection with the inescapable feelings of worthlessness, failure, and doom of recent days. But that's such a chicken/egg thing, what causes what. I suppose it'd be safe to say that more drinking exacerbates any already existing feedback systems. Wow, there's a firm stance. Like it matters.
I just don't know what I'm doing these days, and that matters to me - a character flaw that's been a big factor in holding my career back. The giving a damn, I mean. A few notions are beginning to float up to the top of my cesspool brain, but I dunno. I just get this sense that nobody is very happy about letting me do this job, it's just that there's no one else around right now, and besides, it's a job that doesn't really matter very much anyway, so why not. But still a residual ewwww.
I know that's abstract as all hell but the details really don't matter. Except that the nub is, I'm trying to do something that's not technical. So I'm having anti-math anxiety: the fear of problems for which there can be simultaneously one, no, or many right answers, and which usually can't really be solved anyway. There's no way for me to tell if I'm doing a good job or not except by popular opinion, no objective yardsticks. God, it's like being in high school again.
Remind me again why I thought it would be good to get some different kinds of experience.
Willfully blind self-indulgent nebbish or amusingly quirky old coot? And how bout that local sports team? Discuss among yourselves.
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