A Cry For Help
7 April 1999
5:38 PM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Thank you.
Sonic Blaster, 1966
The Mattel Agent Zero M Sonic Blaster 5530 fires compressed air with a deafening blast. Our measurements top out at 157 dB-above a level that can do permanent damage to the hearing of an adult. We rate the toy Not Acceptable.
This is me! Near enough. I had one of these! They were cool! But not nearly as powerful as advertised. Couldn't blow a nerf ball more than 8 feet or so. And it's "Not Acceptable"???? Who asked these people, anyway? Sheesh. Decline of America, chapter 237.3....
In other news, I'm tired and cranky, so don't try to feed me or I'll just get it all over the floor. They moved the giant color printer and normal b&w laser printer behind me today, and now they're painting the conference room in front of me with Stinko© Brand Paint. I asked the person who's in charge of all this sort of activity when the kennels full of little yapping dogs would be coming in to go along the wall beside me. She said she wasn't sure, but thought that was next month.
Of course I still haven't heard anything, and I'm not going to, but damn. I'm having a lot of this lately, strangely terminated conversations. They seem that way to me. Are the other people just fleeing as quickly as they can? There seems to be something that I do that sets it up so that I only ever hear from most of the people I know when they need something, and as soon as they get it (or know they can't get it), whooosh bye bye. God, I must be talking like the email equivalent of Uncle Joey Nickles. "Nickles! See? Nickles!! If you wanna remember my name, just think of Joey Five Cents! Ha ha!"
Eh. Fuck it. Speak or donut, there is no try.
Wow. Keanu Reeves is 35. And Carrie-Anne Moss is only 29. I was sure she was older. He was born in Beirut, too, strange fact. This Internet, it's kinda neat, huh Wally?
10:18: Crop crop crop, oh the fun, he never stop. If our new stepparents (assuming they don't leave us at the orphanage) close us down, maybe I can get a job stalking Janeane Garofalo. I have no pride, I can learn to operate a camera, I'm tall which is good for getting views in crowds. We could probably start a whole web site of live 24 hour webcam coverage of celebrities. Heck, we ought to do it and get the celebrities to help pay for it - surely it beats having the bushes full of real people. Well OK, they might take some convincing there. But I bet we could get Murdoch interested.
Willfully blind self-indulgent nebbish or amusingly quirky old coot? And how bout that local sports team? Discuss among yourselves.
All names are fake, most places are real, the author is definitely unreliable but it's all in good fun. Yep.
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The motto at the top of the page is a graffito I saw on Brunswick Street in Melbourne.