wanna go HOME now...

  Unkind Brain Fire

13 February 1999

True dream - well, not prophetic (probably) but truly, a dream I had:

An incredibly cute Melrose-type blond guy appears to this woman in a vision, and gives her a magic card that kind of looks like a MUNI monthly pass. She's supposed to give it to him when she finds him in "our world" - if she does this, it will mean that in his world, he can be reunited with her counterpart there, who we briefly see as a big-curly-haired reddish-blonde also of Melrosian extraction. The problem is that she won't know exactly who his counterpart in our world is. He sends her this strange Pakistani butler guy to help out at first, but he drops out of the story without doing much.

Later, I come into the story, by running into her as she's chasing a blond janitor guy down a hallway because she thinks he's Mr. Melrose. I don't know where I was going so fast, but we literally knock each other over, and everything we're holding goes spinning. She picks up my MUNI pass, and I pick up her magic pass, by accident. Neither of us ever know, because I don't have to run mine through the magnetic thing that month.

She's really tall, with medium-length brown hair, skinny and kind of gawky - something like the landlady in Babe: Pig in the City. I fall in love with her instantly.

We get to talking and become friends. She's freaking out bigtime, because when she gives the magic pass to our world's Mr. Melrose, she's also at least supposed to kiss him, and possibly have sex with him. She wasn't quite clear on that part because she was flustered and not listening. Not that she tells me this in-the-dream, but I know as the audience. Anyway, so she just talks to me about it like there's this guy, and he's really cute, and she really wants to meet him, only she doesn't know who he is for sure, but she thinks maybe she does, but she's too embarassed to say anything to him, etc. etc. eternal story. I give her the best advice I can think of, considering that this is not exactly my strong suit, and that it's not exactly in my interest that she find this guy.

That last bit isn't bothering me too much, though, because somehow I don't really believe that she wants him. She's looking for him, she has to meet him, I believe that. But somehow, I just know that she is going to spend her life with someone else - namely, me.

At one point, she's worrying about having to kiss him, which she's told me she has to do, with some kind of lame excuse that I don't really pay attention to. And we decide to practice. We don't stop for a long time, and afterwards she sort of forgets all about Mr. Melrose.

(If you don't know why that works by now, I can't help you. I was asleep and I didn't need it spelled out.)

Later on, circumstances are somewhat different, but we're still the same characters. I'm having a big problem because she won't tell me her real name. I've been calling her "Velma", but I know that's not right. At one point she shows up with this rich guy, and I have no idea what that subplot was about, but he had bought her a cellphone. This was the answer, because as everyone knows, you have to have your name inscribed on a cellphone when you register it. (???? Don't ask me.) I grabbed it and thought at first, "Ah ha!", but it was short-lived. It turned out that if you read the whole name, including the middle name, out loud, it was just a sloppy phonetic version of "Well, ohhh, ummm, somebody."

So I still don't know her real name, and she's staying at a cheap hotel and running out of money. She doesn't know anyone in the city, she's not sure what kind of job she could get, and she hasn't been looking because she's been spending all her time with me. Why I wasn't working myself, I don't know. Probably I did it while she was asleep. I'm hypnotized by her. I can't keep my hands off of her when we're together - I have to be able to touch an ankle, or a finger, or her rather prominent rib cage. At first we had sex constantly. By this point not so much, but always, always, the urge to hold her is insatiable. Then she disappears.

I go nuts, because I have no idea where she would have gone, or even who she is or where she's from, really. She's told me stories about her family raising some kind of mid-sized ponies behind their house in northern California, but I had the sense that she was making that all up. I ask the people at the cheap hotel, they only know she checked out, her name on the register is "Velma Scrawl". I try asking people who might have taken her somewhere or seen her go - taxis, people at bus stations - but they don't remember, and by the way they're looking at me, they aren't much in the business of telling strange men where young women have disappeared to. (It occurs to me now that this is where that butler fellow would have come in very handy.)

The next part is unclear, it involves a lot of car travel and conversations with some fellow who I guess is a friend of my character's, but who never made more than a vague impression of existence. But it's frantic, and time passes. Maybe a month or two.

Someone at a book store one day recognizes Velma from a flyer I left with them, and I kind of hang around the store waiting to see if she'll come in, feeling vaguely creepy. (Vaguely!) She does, she sees me, she turns around and runs away down the street. I go running after her, of course, and she finally slows down and stops. When I catch up to her, she's crying, and turns away because she doesn't want me to see. I hold her and there is some inconsequential conversation, and we end up back where she's living now.

Which turns out to be a little apartment not more than five blocks from where I've been living all along. She's doing temp jobs downtown, and she ran away because she felt guilty about not working and borrowing money from me and letting me pay for dinner and lunch and breakfast all the time and not telling me who she is or what she was really supposed to be doing and she's pregnant.

And right there and then I fall onto my knees and grab her long bony legs and say,

"I swear to God, you are the only thing I want in life. I'll marry you, I'll have children with you, I'll go to Vegas and lose money with you, I'll do yoga, anything, anything you want. I don't care if you have a job, I don't care if you don't have one, if you are just in my life, if I can come home and see you just once each day and just have you be around me being yourself, I would be so fucking lucky I can hardly believe it. Don't ever, ever go away again. I love you more than my arms and legs put together. Please, whatever you want, just don't go away."

I know that's long but I promise, that is exactly what I said, and it was so long, so specific, and so clear and real that it woke me up, and that's why I still remember it now, about 20 minutes later. But it did wake me up, so I don't know what happened. I sure hope she believed me. I sure hope I meant it. I sure hate these dreams. I have to go eat chocolate now.

Willfully blind self-indulgent nebbish or amusingly quirky old coot? And how bout that local sports team? Discuss among yourselves.

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