Iceman! Iceman! 18 July 1998

Now, look, dammit, I'm trying here, all right? Sheesh, I was out of bed before noon on a Saturday. I was going to have a Constructive Day, getting things done, being outside, remembering what this "daylight" stuff is. So, what happens? I go to Squat & Gobble to have lunch (see, I even remembered about food), place my order, pick up my little plastic number that tells them what to bring to my table, sit down and start reading the paper. And then finish the paper. About halfway through the magazine I'd brought with me, I notice the people at the table in front of me getting their food, and it occurs to me that in the time I had been there, that table had been occupied, vacated, cleaned, and taken again. Well, you don't have to tell me 2 and 2 makes 5 - I could see something was odd here.

Oh look, I've been here 45 minutes. Wasn't I supposed to do some eating?

I think I must have scowled at one of the waitresses while I was figuring this out, because a few minutes later she came by. "Did you order something?" Uh, no, I just gave you $7.95 because it's such a hot day and I was full of Christian charity. A chef's salad, they've probably got them sitting in pre-wrapped bags behind the counter, it's not a skill-intensive dish, thank you. Another 10 minutes go by and she finally shows up with my food.

"Sorry about the delay - we forgot to write down what you ordered." In other words, don't try to fool anyone, you nebbish, you make such a slight impression that we gladly took your money and dismissed you from our existence. Argh. Do I need these kind of reminders? Ghost man.

And as long as I'm venting (and that shouldn't surprise you, it's genuinely sunny and this is San Francisco, so we've all gone a bit mad), I came across a charming phrase the other day: "guys who can't get laid." This was in an article about online journals, and the woman was characterizing the types of sites out there. I understand that the descriptions were oversimplified, but. Nice dismissal of a whole chunk of people there: "Oh, that site, terribly dull - it's written by one of those guys who can't get laid."

Lovely fragance of contempt in that, don't you think? I suppose it's the male equivalent of "old maid." You've probably heard (or made) the complaint, that past a certain age, unmarried women are old maids, where men are just "bachelors." Although I haven't really heard either phrase used since the last time I saw The Dating Game, I know there's truth to that gripe. There is a particular viewpoint, an aspect of this culture that looks on a man who hasn't gotten married as having escaped - a success, not a failure.

But not being married is one thing, being alone is another. By rights, you ought to have a girlfriend - better yet, a string of girlfriends (that's always reminded me of fishing, somehow). At the least, you should be dating. Otherwise, well, either you're Career Driven, meaning a soulless, dehumanized type (but possibly evil and therefore at least a bit interesting), or you're just one of Those Guys.

It's right in alignment with another fetching catchphrase, this time a guy's one: "I've never had to pay for it." That's a tone that I'd expect to hear about car repair or wholesale goods. Creepy. Both attitudes are a measure of manipulative ability; neither seem to have very much to do with human beings. Honestly, can you imagine the same men being characterized as "Guys who can't fall in love?" Wouldn't work, too much empathy potential - it doesn't delineate Us Successful People from Those Losers clearly enough.

Several times, I've heard women friends of mine tell me that they had Sworn Off Men for a while. They were coming out of bad relationships, or were tired of the posing and the uncertainty, always decent enough reasons. I have never heard a man say anything like that, not even close, as much as they might very well have made the same decision and had the same kinds of concerns.

A shopper can turn away salesman for a length of time, knowing they'll always be there later. But a salesman who gives up on selling - hello, Willy Loman.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go chase some of these damn kids off my property...

Willfully blind self-indulgent nebbish or amusingly quirky old coot? And how bout that local sports team? Discuss among yourselves.

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