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With compliments, www.dc8p.com by shlong on 2001-02-22 04:24:42
Big Brother!
Day 1 - Shlong admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Amelia. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Tommie is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Wash later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Kid creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Tetra Grammaton hits him with a ladel.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of empire state building out of sweet corn. After much persuasion by Kid , they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the empire state building task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Wash, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the sweet corn. Tetra Grammaton is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the empire state building task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Wash farts and blows empire state building over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure.
Amelia cries.
6 - Kid gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Amelia admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a ladel. Shlong says he
never wears condoms because they make his nipples sore and Kid agrees. Tommie goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Wash sits in
the corner, quietly eyeing up Kid .
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Shlong goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Tetra Grammaton
and Amelia are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Shlong.
9 - Tetra Grammaton and Amelia are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Tommie sings them a song - If I Could Turn Back Time - Cher - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Amelia out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Amelia leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Amelia's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Tommie has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Tetra
Grammaton is visibly depressed and is comforted by Kid , who tries to touch her on her bottom.
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Kid touching Tetra Grammaton's bottom over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures.
Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Wash refuses to run because his nipples hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Wash finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Tetra Grammaton calls Wash a lazy nipples.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Shlong tells everyone individually that he thinks Tetra Grammaton is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come
and visit. Tetra Grammaton and Kid are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Shlong.
16 - The nominations are announced. Tetra Grammaton can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Kid is equally stunned and turns to Tetra Grammaton for comfort. Wash is distraught and confesses to Tommie that he thinks he
is in love with Kid . Tommie says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
17 - The public vote Kid out of the house. Tetra Grammaton says she is gutted and even gives Kid a clipping of hair from her bottom to prove how much she cares. Wash is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Kid leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Tetra Grammaton clipping the hair from her bottom. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Cuba in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Cuba sounds like but Wash says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Shlong as the one who must complete the task.
21 - Shlong successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Cuba but also God Save The Queen, If I Could Turn Back Time - Cher and the theme tune to Red Shoe Diaries. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid
newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and Shlong tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Wash and Tommie are nominated.
23 - Wash and Tommie take their nominations well and sit down with Shlong and Tetra Grammaton to discuss why they voted for them. Shlong keeps quiet but Tetra Grammaton accuses Wash of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred nipples
before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote Tommie out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Tommie leaves.
25 - Shlong becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Shlong's mind and brings out his true personality. In other
words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of rhino dung using only a ladel. Shlong is unsure but Wash is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble
50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Wash breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the rhino incident from his childhood. Tetra Grammaton
tries to persuade him to stay but Shlong sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Wash decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the rhino dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Tetra Grammaton from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the
Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Shlong asks Tetra Grammaton to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Shlong nominates Tetra Grammaton to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Tetra Grammaton.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Tetra Grammaton graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Shlong is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is
preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Shlong takes his £70,000 and runs away to Cuba. Nobody, including Tetra Grammaton,
ever sees him again.
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